Maybe you’ve heard the quote, “The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result.” While that may be true, I think it begs the question: How can you do something different if you don’t know what TO do differently?!” (And, just as important: how can you know what solutions to focus on if you aren’t even clear on what the cause/root of the problem really is?!)
What I have found is that most of the time when parents of teens with ADHD are not getting the results they want, it’s due to issues in one (or more) of the following three areas:
1. Their mindset;
2. Their parenting techniques as they relate to their parenting goals; and/or
3. Their relationship with their teen.
If you are miserable, frustrated, and often angry in response to your teen’s actions, then it’s likely a mindset issue. Where the frustration (and “insanity”) comes in is when you keep trying to change and control things that are out of your control (like what your teen says or does). In order to get different results, you need to shift your focus to what you can control–namely your thoughts and reactions) and to learn some new techniques for how to think better so you can feel better (and then make better parenting decisions).
If you believe that in order to “help” your teen, you have to do and be in charge of everything–and you have wound up becoming a ‘helicopter parent’ –or you are on the opposite end of the spectrum and you have completely given up on parenting due to frustration and exhaustion–then it’s likely a parenting technique problem. The reason you are in an “insanity” cycle in this case is because your parenting methods (your rules, limits, consequences, expectations, etc.) are not in alignment with your parenting goals (helping your teen learn and grow and become a responsible, productive adult despite the ADHD). The key to getting different results is to learn some new parenting strategies that are more in line with your goals (and to get some support as you implement those strategies).
If you’re dealing with a lot of rebellion, defiance and power struggles with your teen, then it’s likely a problem related to your relationship with your teen. The fact is: Rules without Relationship = Rebellion. The key to getting better results in this case is to shift your focus to establishing a strong relationship with a foundation of mutual respect. When your teen feels not just loved but also liked, (and heard and respected), s/he is more likely to want to please you, come to you for help, etc.
Once you are clear on the area(s) to focus on, then it’s so much easier to figure out what you need to do differently so you can finally get the results you yearn for! But I know that it’s a lot easier said than done sometimes–it’s hard to be objective and see things clearly when you are smack dab in the middle of daily stress and chaos.
I would love to help!
I’ve been told that my ‘superpower’ is my ability to see the forest for the trees—when presented with what seems/feels like a big, frustrating, complex ‘tangled-ball-of-yarn’ type of situation, I have a knack for being able to see clearly what is going on and why, which then allows me to pinpoint and recommend the strategies and solutions that would be most helpful to work on with you in order for you to get the results you have been yearning for but not seeing up to now.
If you’re ready to stop your “insanity” of continuing to do the same ineffective things over and over but you’re not sure how, I can help. Let’s have a strategy call!
I’d love to help you finally get the results you’ve been yearning for!